There's this girl

So it all started like this. I met this certain girl during a welcome induction to the Chinese course in university. When I first saw her, I noticed that she was extremely pretty, but it was Jam who said he wanted to talk to her. So, I mustered the courage (my weakness is pretty girls) to walk over with Jam and strike up a conversation. At first, we didn't really say much, but once we realised we had several mutual friends, we hit off really well! At least I thought so. She talked to me for the whole day, and I eventually got her number. I sent a text later that night, expecting short replies, but she did keep the conversation going unlike most girls I know. I think this is one of the aspects of her I like the most, how she's just so real and open. I was happy to know she trusted me, and I trusted her back. Seriously, for me, it felt as if I'd known her for years.

For some reason, I started to fall for her. I can't even remember when it started. Maybe when a group of us went to Nando's? I guess if it wasn't for this other girl that 'distracted' Jam, I would not have had the chance to get to know this girl even more. She pretty much talked to me only for the whole day, and probably because of this, I stupidly thought maybe she had feelings for me. I'm so stupid. I mean, we even shared a drink and was gonna share a meal. I thought 'friends who have just met don't do that'. But then I realised, this girl was like that to everyone. I thought I was getting special attention, but I was just being naive. What I didn't know was that this girl, is extremely nice to everyone, and that's how I misunderstood. Well, by that time, I had already fallen for her, and my personality had already changed around her. I think I only just figured this out, but I treat girls I like a bit more coldly than others. The reason? The girls I like are always out of my league and I guess I'd get less hurt if I push them out of my life, rather than pretending to want to stay friends. It just hurts if I try.

However in this case, I intend to stay friends longer. I mean, I don't even know her that well, I don't wanna exclude her from my life already if you know what I mean.

Oh, another thing. Yesterday was HELL. Being a bro of Jam's, I know how he feels and thinks. And I'm 100% certain he likes the same girl. We've never liked the same girl at the same time before, so I was confused as to what was going to happen. I didn't believe either of us would actually get the girl. For starters, I don't think she'd wanna date a younger guy, and from what I heard from her, she has had a high rejection rate in the past. Anyways, yesterday, Jam was flirting with her loads and I became.. jealous. I didn't even know it at first. I'd never felt jealous like that before, so it was pretty much a new experience/feeling. This feeling gradually got worse as the day dragged on, and before I knew it, my heart hurt and I became exhausted from jealousy. I didn't even know such thing could happen. The worst thing is, she kept asking what was wrong. I really wanted to let her know, but how could I if my problem involved her?! I don't even know why I started blanking her. We played drinking games at night, but I honestly didn't enjoy it at all. Jealousy had never hurt me SO much. Sounds cheesy, but my heart really did hurt. It felt unfair, cos I hadn't known this girl for that long at all, how could it be possible for me to fall so hard? I almost couldn't sleep all night because I was thinking about things so much, but if it wasn't for the support of three certain friends, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all! Actually, it wasn't totally all about this girl. I actually cried (something I haven't done in a long time (apart from watching films)) because I felt like such a selfish dickhead. I've explained to one of my friends why I feel this way, but I think that the reason is so bad I can't even put ot here.

So anyway, here I am now, minutes before a lecture, typing this out. Yep. Awesome life.

PS: In fact, one good thing did come out of this. I tweeted something along the lines of 'I feel like shit' and one of my best friends whom I hadn't spoken to in a long time (3 years?) rekindled our relationship. Well, almost. I'm glad for that.

Right, so I just had a lecture with her. Erm... it was a bit awkward, cos I made it awkward. After the lecture, I hardly spoke on the way back to our accomodation. I could tell she tried to lighten the mood by asking me questions, but.. I didn't really try hard to answer. After she left, I beat myself up inside. Why didn't I talk to her? It's rare that I get time to be with her alone, so why'd I waste the opportunity to get to know her better? I'm guessing it's because I don't want to. I have a feeling that eventually we're not even gonna talk anymore, so if I'm not close to her now, it'll hurt less when we do end up drifting apart.

Also, I really wanted to have lunch with her. I couldn't bring myself to ask whether she wanted to eat alone with me cos I was afraid of rejection plus she wouldn't ditch the rest of the crew just to eat with me.