Baby you're the shh girl, maybe?

I'm not really into white girls. Probably not at all. But for some reason...


It started this school year, in September 2011. I don't know precisely when or how or why it started. I just started to find her quite attractive. I mean, I knew she was pretty anyway, but she wasn't specially pretty to me, know what I mean? Erm, I can't explain, so yeah!


Anyway, today, I started to question whether she could be my it girl. We had a double free at the beginning of school today, so we chilled together. Somehow towards the end, we started playing Tank Trouble, some flash game on the computer, with another guy. It's quite addictive, you should give it a blast! Haha. When it was break, we went to her locker, and after finding nothing to do, she said 'let's go back to the library and play Tank Trouble again. So we did. I guess spending so much time alone just gave me the chances to figure things out. Actually to be perfectly honest, I still don't understand my feelings. I just think I like her more. But there's like two sides to her, that I know. Not like she has alter egos or anything. Like, when there's other people around, she bullies me kindly and finds me... cute.. and that stuff. Err, it makes more sense in real life. And then when we're alone, it's kinda slightly awkward and she doesn't show as much emotion. I don't really get why. I'm not sure if she finds it awkward too, cos she always asks me to accompany her when we have frees together, which is like all the time.


I'm quite happy about this, I haven't had any drama in my life in ages, and this feels quite exhilarating. However, there are two problems.


First is the fact that she's white and I'm Chinese. Our cultures are very different. It would probably be uncomfortable for me to chill with her friends and vice versa. Also, when I heard she made out with this one guy at a party, my heart kinda broke a little. I dunno if it's normal for white people to just make out with each other, but I know for a fact that Chinese people don't do it. Well they don't normally... right? It kinda puts me off, but nothin' I can do about that. That's one of the reasons I don't date white girls, they're too open and wild. Am I being racist here? I said it kinda put me off, but that's just other girls. I think for this 'it girl', I could make an exception. Maybe I like her that much?


Another thing is, my friend likes her, unless I heard wrong. We had a kinda man talk once, when we both had a free. He told me how they both want a 'sexual relationship', but since she called him his 'best friend', he thinks he's got no chance. To me, this is a replay with what happened with Chocolate, but that's another story. Good thing she can't read this haha. But yeah, how can I go for a girl my friend says he likes? I'm always in this situation, and I don't have the heart to fight against him. Either way, I'd have to lose a friend, or lose a girl, but if lose the girl, I'd still have two friends. It's a hard thing to do. I'd be happy if them two got together, at least that's how I want to feel. I wanna stop liking her, but it hurts to stop. I've tried to stop flirting with her, but recently it's been getting hard to hold myself back. 


Do I sound creepy taking like this? I really don't think I am. Other people must have felt the same way. I'm just expressing it in words. Or maybe I am too emotional. Or too Chinese.


Anyway, if I think realistically, I probably don't have a chance anyway. She's so white, she'd probably not go for a Chinese guy at all. 


Ahh what a sad life I lead.
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