It's so sad.

Hanging out with Chocolate today made me realise how much I miss her. It's weird and sad how someone who was once so close to you, is now so far away. And I'm also jealous, about how close she is with Pom. I have no right to complain, but I sill can't get that jealousy out of me. It's not even because I have feelings for her, it's because I was so close to her, so damn close. At least I thought I was. I knew her before Pom did, and we'd been friends for longer. But, she talks to him more often now. I hate to say but it's just not fair. I hate complaining, I hate this feeling I have, but I can't help it at all. It's not something you can control. Even though I spent the whole day with her today, I still felt a large gap between us. What happened to the good ol' days? Going back to my cousin's home on a train in London now. It's scary.


I'm glad I have this secret blog. It's a good feeling knowing I can release all this pressure built up within me, and knowing that even noone reads this, a least I got it out of me. At least I can always count on you Internet. 


If you've noticed, then you're right. I've written two other posts about Chocolate in this blog, but I didn't name her.


I want to tell her how much I miss her, I really do. But if I did, and she didn't feel the same way, I'd embarrass myself, and I would put her in an awkward position. It sucks playing hero, playing the good guy. But if it's to keep Chocolate within reach, even if just a bit, then it's cool.


I honestly gotta say, I would've been bored today if the person I was hanging out with wasn't Chocolate, being with her just relaxes me somehow. Although not really today, it felt kinda awkward for me. Her presence relaxed me before though. Now it seems like I can't even be myself. Whenever I say or do anything a little perverted, she makes these faces that say 'okay, that's just weird', but I swear she didn't mind before! In fact, that's one of the reasons why we got close? Well whatever. If I am supposed to lose her, then let it be. I can't keep losing myself because of a girl. 


If it sounds like I like her, it's not that. I mean, I do like her but not in that way. It's just, she was such a precious friend. I seriously don't wanna lose her. Especially not to Pom. He hasn't really done anything wrong, I think, but I'm just super jealous that he talks to Chocolate more than I do. These feelings I really can't put into words. 




All I know is, I don't want to lose her.


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